I’m in therapy and you probably should be too
(TW: brief mention of eating disorders)
I was going to focus on the C word this week, but I’ve decided to save that one for later. Let’s call it building suspense instead of indecisiveness.
I go to therapy, once a fortnight, with a clinical psychologist.
Mental health is a conversation that is thankfully becoming more and more normalised, however, I can’t pretend it’s not intimidating telling people you’re seeing a therapist; people simply do not know how to respond. They mean well, but like sex, addiction, and a whole host of other topics, we’re not quite there yet.
I’m no better, I fear people will see weakness in me for going to therapy rather than cracking on with it with a stiff upper lip as we’re expected to do, but I know full well I’ll be much better at cracking on with it after word vomiting to a therapist. I suppose that’s partially why I’m writing this, to shake off that shame and maybe even spark this conversation for someone else, even if it just means you check in with yourself today. How are you, really?
I said in my introductory post I write all the time, and while it’s often drivel (see note below) and rambling (much like my blogging), it’s a really good way to process things that I’m finding stressful or are playing on my mind.
My brain goes at a million miles an hour most of the time so writing things down is a way for me to catch up and make things make more sense. Sort of like stacking the plates instead of spinning them. It’s a great way to reflect and reconcile, I recommend giving it a go when you can’t seem to keep up with yourself.
If I’ve got it so figured out in my notes app, why am I in therapy? I’ve been in therapy twice before and, unfortunately, both times were not very helpful. However, these negative experiences with therapy have actually proven to me why it’s so important and why I advocate that everyone should go, not just when your marriage is crumbling or your mental health is at breaking point.
There’s an expectation therapy is there to “fix” you or your problems, so people often come out underwhelmed and frustrated, but that’s not what therapy is for. Therapy is supposed to act like a crutch; there to assist you while you’re down, but you fix things yourself. You’re provided with the support, tools and questions to figure it out yourself.
The first time I was in therapy was when I was 17 years old and I was struggling with an eating disorder. I quite frankly didn’t want to be there, I didn’t find it helpful and I came out more confused and less understood than before I went in. I quit before the course was finished. I didn’t connect with the therapist. I didn’t feel like I could trust her, I couldn’t open up to her so I lied to her and told her I was fine. I would leave thinking I just couldn’t be helped, I was “too far gone”, as many people feel when they can’t connect with the team of people there to support them. They then withdraw emotionally and often socially, and recovery takes longer. Perseverance is key to therapy working, but arguably, being comfortable enough to open up is paramount. To do that, you have to feel safe, and like you’re with someone you feel supported by and you trust. A good therapist makes you feel listened to, not just heard.
My second experience with therapy was during my second year at university. I went to see the well-being team because I was, simply put, miserable, chaotic, and reckless. I wanted someone to fix me, and romantic partners weren’t doing it for me (shock). I was put on a waiting list, and I was eventually referred to a trauma therapist for eye movement desensitisation reprocessing (EMDR). This is a form of therapy where your therapist will move their hand back and forth in front of your face and ask you to follow these hand motions with your eyes. At the same time, you’re asked to recall a memory in an attempt to reprogramme your negative associations with that memory. Again, I got nothing out of it. I came out feeling a bit dizzy after 90 minutes of watching someone waving at me, but besides that, I felt nothing.
One week he was on holiday, so I saw another therapist. He just did the basic stuff you’d expect; he asked questions and I answered, but I came out having got so much off my chest. THAT is what I needed. To be listened to. I still had 4 more sessions of my second block of EMDR to go, but I’d done 8 sessions after we were only originally supposed to have 6, so I felt I’d definitely persevered enough to give it a chance. I asked to continue seeing the second therapist and stop with EMDR. That isn’t to say EMDR doesn’t work, or that either of the first therapists were shit, they just weren’t right for me.
That is the key lesson I learned. Therapy works when you find the right therapist and when you accept you are not there to be “fixed” by someone else, therapists are there to help you help yourself. They ask the right questions so you can find the answers. And no question is more important than “why?”
This time around is different. I’m pretty happy, lockdown aside. I would say I’m a little anxious, but other than that, life’s good. This time around, I have sought therapy for my behaviour. Things like fear of conflict, people pleasing, how bad I am at communicating what I want. I can stand up for others and for principles, but not for myself. All of this doesn’t generally cause me bother in my day to day life, but it holds me back — yet I can’t just switch all this off. We’re back at the question “why?”. Why do I behave like this? Where does it come from? We know behaviour is influenced by conditioning; we’re shaped by our experiences, from childhood to present day. Our past shapes our present, but it doesn’t have to shape our future. My therapist makes me answer questions I’ve never asked myself and I say “Holy shit, I’ve never thought about it like that” at least three times per session. She’s brutal, but she’s honest. She’ll tell me when I’m romanticising or sugar-coating a story, she’ll tell me when I’m causing my own problems; not in a critical way, more a “get out of your own way” way. I know more about myself and I always had the answers, but no one asked the questions. It’s not all life changing epiphanies; it’s emotionally taxing and hard work going through your life and personal problems with a fine-toothed comb. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve learned, and, most importantly, I’ve grown.
“Your scars are not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility”
Accountability is a real responsibility. We all present harmful behaviours; I may even stretch to the word “toxic”. To not admit to this is simply a lack of self awareness. When I say this, I don’t mean you’re a horrible person and you don’t know it, I mean you could be doing things to hurt yourself simply because you’re used to it. You could have low self esteem and you constantly undervalue yourself. It’s not just things like arrogance and manipulation that are toxic.
The reason I’m such an ardent supporter of going to therapy is these behaviours can be managed and it will improve your whole life and ultimately it will improve your relationship with yourself and with others; you will seek validation from others less, you will be able to empathise with others more, your confidence improves, whatever your struggle is, whatever is holding you back, it gets better with the investment of time working on yourself. Real self love is calling yourself out on your shit in order to grow and therapy isn’t just self love, it’s self work; what greater investment is there but in yourself? Without getting too Loréal on you, you’re worth it.
The idea society has of therapy is that your life has to be really bad in one area or you’re suffering from a mental illness to justify seeking out a therapist; it’s an attitude we desperately need to shirk off. We never think we’re quite suffering enough. Someone else always has it worse. Therapy isn’t just a place for rock bottom. You don’t need a reason to go. You can go simply because you want to. It gives you that time to slow down; life is relentless and we don’t have a pause button so therapy is as close as it gets. It’s about taking some time that is just for you with no distractions. It’s taking care of you.
Although it should be, therapy is not easily accessible. Mindfulness is a good first step to checking in with yourself, and taking care of yourself, but also, please just cut yourself a bit of slack. Life’s mental and it’s hard. Take a break, even if it’s not for long. Five minutes, while the kettle is boiling, stop thinking about work or chores you still have to do, think about you. What’s something that’s bothering you? Why? What are you doing that’s not helping you? Why do you do that? How can you stop doing that?
So, I’ll ask you again. How are you, really?
“Life gets easier when you love yourself harder”
Take care of yourself, properly
Sophie xo
